Form feet and legs. Form arms and body.

And I’ll form the head.

Review: In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale

Posted by rapaleeman on April 22, 2008

Ok, I know everyone has been eagerly foaming at the mouth for this one (does sarcasm come across well in written form?).  This review will be pretty short in the fact that there wasn’t much to this film.  The overall arching story was terrible and barely coherent.  The characters were clunky and most importantly: why was it over 2 hours long?

The story is that a farmer, named Farmer (Jason Statham, the only part of this movie that can be called ok) whose son is killed by the Kruug, decides to go kick some ass to get revenge.  Oh and his wife along with the rest of this random village on a cliff (which seems to be the only village in the land besides the castle) have been taken prisoner to be slaves or whatever.  Who cares?  The story is stupid.  It has no point only to build up this tension that the Kruug are bad and this wizard or something, played by the usually reliable Ray Liotta, is trying to take over the land as the leader of the Kruug.  Liotta is doing the nasty with some other magician’s daughter to steal her power or something and Matthew Lillard (they say his name three different ways in the movie so I don’t remember what it was) is the King’s nephew and hates the King.  If none of that made any sense to you then join the club.

After some massive intrigue and awesome plot twists that you never see coming (how’s that sarcasm coming?) the movie just plays out.  The ending is terrible.  The battle scenes, for which there are many, are fake and unconvincing.  The same with the props.  Though when the Kruug catapult flaming people through the air at the King’s army, I laughed and was amused for a few seconds.  No, I didn’t make that up.  They fling people.  The final showdown between Statham and Liotta is terrible with horrible SFX and the fact that The Stath can break Liotta in two at any given point in time makes the fight more ludicrous than it already is.  They are so uneven and Statham is just going through the motions in the fights.  Anyway, a terrible story.

The acting is even worse.  Liike I said above The Stath is the best part about this movie and he really isn’t that great here.  Liotta hams it up pretty bad, along with Hellboy, Ron Pearlman who looks just like Hellboy here, but not red.  Weird really.  Claire Forlani as the damsel works, but she can’t act.  She’s hot enough to actually warrant a save, but seriously can’t read a line to save her life and neither can the stupid kid they got to play Staham’s son.  Lillard is terrible as well and cries most of the time.  Where’s Shaggy when you need him?  Let’s see, Brian White was servicable, but his character was terrible and Leelee Sobieski (or however you spell her name) was as wooden as ever.  She is the female Keanu.   One face/reaction to everything.  Kritanna Loken was in this for like 10 minutes.  She was Painkiller Jane in the forest.  One person I didn’t mention was the King.  Burt Reynolds is the King here and I wonder how much he was paid/needed to do this movie.  For that matter, how the hell did Uwe Boll get any of these actors/actresses.  Most are at least decent B-listers with a few big names in here.  Puzzling, but I guess money does buy everything.

Look, I’m not going to go on anymore about this terribe, terrible movie.  Do not buy/rent/watch or even think about this tripe anymore.  It’s sad that this is Uwe Boll’s best movie.  It really is but when you make crap, some piles smell better than others depending on what you eat I guess. 

NOT RECOMMENDED

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